Love and Admiration
by August12
Summary: Story told from Sam's perspective post 4x01 with references to S 3.
1. Chapter 1

**I own neither Rookie Blue, the characters or the plot. All credit goes to Tassie Cameron and others. **

I knew from virtually the first night in the parking lot that she was different. I knew that she would challenge me, push me and entrance me. I knew that she would affect me; I just never anticipated the strength that Andy McNally would knock me off of my feet.

I remember sitting in the Penny the night after I first told her that I loved her. I remember the care I took to nurse my drink and the patience with which I fixed my eyes to the door just waiting for her to walk in. I had never felt so much trepidation and excitement at one time. You learn to control your emotions as much as possible on this job and not allow them to overtake your conscience, but every time I think of McNally I can't help but allow her to invade my vision, my thoughts and my senses. She makes me forget who I was trained to be and all I was trained to do; that's why I told her I couldn't do my job and be with her. The heart of the matter is: I love her too much to endanger her by not being on the top of my game. I love her so much that I can't bear to put her in danger and lose her like I lost Jerry.

Now, six months on from when she didn't show and my patience shrank into obscurity, I look back at that night with surreal sense of fondness. As much as it hurt me that she failed to walk through that door after all I'd said, all I'd promised, I admired her. I admired her determination and her resolve to do something for herself and move on with her life like I had demanded she should. It's the strength of her character, her fiery attitude and lion's heart that first drew me to her and continues to entice me. From the minute I spoke to her on the phone today, my rapidly beating heart stilled and my breathing became regulated again because I knew that she was ok. I knew she was still fighting with her heart to keep safe and I knew that she was determined to reach the help she needed. My admiration for Andy McNally grew tenfold this afternoon and the feelings that I had managed to suppress, reignited a burning fire more fierce than I could ever hope to contain.

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	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer still stands- I own nothing.**

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Today was her first day back on shift and she was already endangering her lion's heart. When we exited the car, I wanted nothing more than to reach out to her and shield her from the hail of bullets- but I knew I couldn't. She wasn't mine to protect anymore. Yes she was my partner and as her partner I would have her back, but I could never guard her with all my strength like I had done before; no matter how much I wanted to. I swore to myself that I would give her the space she needed to be the cop I knew she could be, and if that meant me not being the protective man I had been and stepping away from my role as her lover and protector- then so be it. I will not be the one to hold Andy McNally back.

I think that's part of the reason that I agreed to give her a lift to the Penny. I knew that by giving her an opportunity to talk, she would open up and hopefully move on because I don't want to be the one she's hung up on. She deserves better. She has the right to move on even though the thought of it contradicts every flame in my burning heart.

I told her that I chose Marlo because she's smart, fun and uncomplicated. That's true- she's easy whereas McNally is hard.

I told her that Marlo isn't her; but I don't know if that was me reassuring myself that simple is what I want, or if I was trying to implore Andy to realise that I still want her.

You see- complicated.

I had been reasonably content for the past six months. I had been enjoying the simplicity and ease that flowed between Marlo and I. As each day passed, I was sure that my connection to McNally was slowly ebbing away and I was finally allowing myself to be free, but now in the short time she has been back, she has sent my world into a tailspin and I'm not sure I want it to stop.

Andy McNally is a whirlwind. She is an unstoppable force to behold and an even greater force to love; but love her I do.

She has captivated me since day one. She's the one who broke into my shell and captured me. She has held an indeterminable amount of force over me without ever realizing it. She made me love her. She made me admire her. She made me want to be the man worthy of her.

That's why I won't hold her back. For me to be truly deserved of her, I must let her go.

Sometimes, letting go is the only thing you can do if you truly love someone.


End file.
